The sound of silence.

Today has been a ridiculously bad day. I'm not kidding. Probably one of the worst days of my life. I'm so freaking paranoid, always. I hate it. Do you remember High School? Maybe you weren't one of the kids that always got picked on.. or maybe you weren't the one that everyone was whispering about down the hallway.. or maybe you weren't voted on for prom just as a joke? Maybe, those all were just me. Even still, I see kids that are younger or my age... and I instantly get that feeling... I mean sure, I got a little better once I was a senior... and the jokes stopped a little, but I can remember 6th grade... sitting on the bus, getting picked on to the Nth degree. Ugh, those were seriously the worst days of my life. Man, I seriously can recount numerous occasions where I was let down and humiliated.

Here's one in particular.
I was really really involved in band. I mean, I basically sold my soul to the band director. I'm not kidding. Band was my out. I mean, if you know anything about my relationship with my father, you'll understand that I basically took the band as my family and I did everything in my power to be busy at all times doing something band / music related.

Now that you've been thoroughly prefaced. We had a day where we got our senior awards. If you recall your senior year, you may remember there being two big music awards 1)John Philip Sousa award 2)Louis Armstrong award. Alright.. so, basically I was so sure I was going to get one of them. For sure the JPS award. For sure. So my band director (who had become, in my mind, one of my closest friends or perhaps like a like older brother figure or something) starts to announce who will be the receiver of the two awards... well I instantly begin to stand up... and yep, he didn't pick me. For either. Want to know what else? I skipped my senior trip so I could repaint my house because my parents were heavy indoor smokers and the walls were stained. Anyway, that was solely in anticipation of my band director coming, and me not wanting to be embarrassed.... and well the 4 hours of my party went by and he never showed. Yay! Let down. ugh.

All of that said to sorta lay the ground work for what I'm going to say. I hate being in situations where I don't know people, or where I have no specific reason to be there and would otherwise look creepy. I don't know. It makes me so freaking paranoid going on Drake Campus, especially when I'm not a part of my own campus club. Blah blah blah. The other day, a guy said.. oh hey, Why are you here? WHY AM I HERE? I don't know, because I'm creepy. That's embarrassing.

I don't know how I'm possibly going to do anything.
I go to interVarsity and feel like a moron. I'm serious. I think there are 5 people in total I talk to. 5. Some people I just see stare at me, and I'm reminded of that feeling in High School. That gross feeling of being looked at, laughed at, and disappointed. I don't know. I have a pretty good friend that overlooks the whole deal, but when in their element, it seems like I'm nobody. I don't know how else to explain it. If to one person I would be mean something, it would mean everything. I know Jesus thinks of me as someone amazing... ...but really that's not helping me right now. I'm just throwing that out there.

I don't know how to sustain.
I was thinking back to last year, like what the heck did I ever do to stay encouraged?? How did I even stay alive??

Well, I don't know. I basically just spent a whole crap ton of time with travis. And I think that made me sane. Man. I miss having people I can spend time with and be completely honest with and actually like have people that listen to me. Sometimes I feel like I have something to say, but no one that thinks I have anything valuable. I'm not kidding. I keep everything inside. I think that when I hung out with Travis it made me feel like I had something important to say, because he always wanted to know what was going on, and he always told me what was going on with him. I definitely don't have that right now.

I don't know what else to say. I'm bummed.

I've been running,.. I've been skipping like a stone... and I don't know if I, I can do this all alone...

Some people (myself included) will never get it, will they?

You can wind up going your entire life and never realizing how much you mean to someone because of your insecurities. The one person that you treasure their opinion and value their company can be completely oblivious of their worth. Suddenly in moments it's all gone. Will it ever be the same? I don't know. Will your heart ever be the same? Doesn't seem likely.

It's deep heart hurt. Almost that feeling of being letdown. Probably a little bit more of a burning sensation, but overall just pain. Not because you ever expected anything from anyone, but just because you've tried this whole time to mean something. My goal in life is to be the best me I can be and inspire others to be the best them.

Wouldn't that change the world?

You see people that rub people the wrong way, and you think in your head... man I never wanna be that guy (or girl). At the end of the day you may end up becoming the very thing you were absolutely against. When all is said and done we're all going to be let down, listen, I'm going to let you down. Don't trust me.

So the question isn't, do you trust me?
It's do you trust God to have your back even when I let you down?

I know I'm going to let you down.

I hate that I've been going along this whole time thinking everything was okay. Thinking I was making a difference, thinking I mattered, thinking I belonged. But I don't. I haven't. It's been a "just kidding". I suppose even if we're good for nothing, we're still good for something?

All I know is that I feel like my heart has been pulled out of my chest thrown on the ground and had a stampede of very large animals, cars, people, etc.. walking/driving/running over it. It's that kind of pain where you feel like you're running really really fast- like gaining ground -and then you get punched in the gut. You could see the finish line, you were within inches, but out of nowhere all of the oxygen is stripped from your lungs. Leaving you motionless on the ground wondering "What the heck just happened?"

Where am i going with this?

I wanted to change the world. But really I just wanted to mean something. To one person. The more I focused on changing the world in a grand scheme, the more I realized that I just really love individual people and would rather see them inspired then to focus on the world and never mean a great deal to one person, but just meaning a small amount to everyone.

In my feeble attempt to fully love just a small amount of people, I've failed. That's why it hurts so bad. I let them down. Not that I didn't know that I'd probably mess it up at some point, but I just wish for once in my whole life I could really express my heart. Like, I think I could really be a great friend. Don't we all have that in us? Even when I try the best I can, it still sucks.

I let me down.
I let you down.

I get to love you through whatever comes, what a privilege.

What to say? I don't even know. I think perhaps this is one of the few times that I haven't had words to express what I'm thinking/feeling.

Maybe one person will read this and will completely get it and have compassion. Or who knows, maybe this is just for me. Lately I've been feeling completely convicted. In pretty much every area of my life.

First it was friends.
Then it was trust.
Then it was priorities.

I feel like I've let a lot of people down. I'm by no means throwing myself a pity party. I'm just being honest. Mostly I think I've let myself down. I've allowed myself to act in ways that I would never imagine. Not even act, just react. I've never been one to react, I've generally processed and then responded. There are some issues here recently where I've done a great job of responding, but there are others where I just react and flip out basically.

I've been so depressed and negative for the past few months. Feeling like everything has been stripped away, and in the midst not being able to find one positive thing to land my feet on. I'm basically in one of the biggest transitions that I've gone through, well at least one of the toughest (not that this by any means is a great excuse or even an excuse period). I want to change the world. Well, I wanted to. I wanted to leave a legacy. I think I've lost sight of all of that in the midst of the stripping away.

I watched a DVD by Kris Vallotton about Leadership and it basically just tore me in two. He talked about how John on the island of Patmos wrote 7 letters to the angels of the churches, which basically resembled his apostolic leadership for those 7 churches. Like those were his 7 spheres of influence. Immediately I remember when the guy called me upfront at Heartland and talked about how I had 6 gates that I was given all authority over, these gates were college campuses. Tears silently streamed down my face, I was so broken, like oh my goodness. I have been sent, I have been given an assignment, a promise no less. Like that is my land to take. This is the land that I'm supposed to influence. Maybe that makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me. But listen, I had a dream that I woke up at 3:33am and freaked out that it was 3:33 and then I saw it at 3:33pm and freaked out and then I immediately called the lady that interprets my dreams to ask her about 3 and when I saw her she had only an explanation of the number 2.

I called my dream interpreted (in real life) and told her this dream I had with her in it. She explained to me that, that makes perfect sense to her. Lou Engle saw the number 222 and knew that that was confirmation that the Lord had given him Pasadena, CA. Then I remember, what the heck, I've seen 555 for months and months and months. Even now I see every :55 of every hour that I'm awake. And I was like, holy cow, that's my confirmation. I knew that it was. I just knew it.

Anyway, so like the Lord for a long long time has been trying to grab my attention. He's like, "Hey listen, you're supposed to do this... come on now, don't get distracted." the whole time I'm like, "well, this isn't good, and this doesn't look right, and I can't do this, and I can't do that, and not only that but this person is treating me poorly and nothing is going right, and I don't even wanna do this anymore." I've been so focused on me and my circumstance. So distracted and well, depressed.

Kris talked about how maybe we're supposed to change the world. Like Jesus is just looking for one. And I know that! I freaking knew that! And in the midst I forget. Easy as that. But as he spoke my heart began to burn, and I was reminded that this was the reason I was alive. The reason I'm to live and die. The one thing I'd die for. The only thing worth it. The thing I've signed up for. I enlisted. I dunno.

Then I was so convicted. I just wanted to bawl. I wanted to crawl up on the floor and sob. Then I spent some time with Jesus, and He was showing me when I was 18 I was in my car outside my apartment in Cambridge, IA. It was raining and I had a worship CD on. I had just gotten off work, so it was about 3am. I remember I just laid my carseat back and worshiped Him a little longer. All I wanted to do was spend time with Him. I would wake up and put Jason Upton on and sing my heart out as I made breakfast. I would just talk to Him all the time. I would walk around Jordan Creek mall (as security) and talk to Jesus and let Him know how much I adored Him, and as soon as I got home I would hide away quickly and spend more and more time with Him. It was the beauty of simplicity. I love Him because He first loved me.

My heart was tearing out of my chest at this point. I was so broken. Can you believe it? As a punk 18 year old, I was running after Jesus with so much love. Not even being forgiven as much as I am at this point. It wasn't hype, it wasn't for a touch, I don't even know that I really knew that Jesus could be experienced? All I wanted was Him, and just to be that one person that Jesus' eye looked for to and fro.

Anyway. then I heard, Psalm 126. Which is:

Psalm 126

A song of ascents.

¹ When the LORD brought back the captives to ^a]">[a] Zion,
we were like men who dreamed. ^b]">[b]

² Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

³ The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

⁴ Restore our fortunes, ^c]">[c] O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

⁵ Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

⁶ He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

It's like, they were saying, "We were once captives, like, we were bound and had no hope, like we could barely dream. But then the Lord brought us out of captivity and once we tasted that freedom we were like those could dream. It was better than we could've ever thought, it was like a dream. All we could do is laugh and shout for joy, and it was settled within us that because of this moment all the Nations would say "the Lord has done great things".

Well that's what I got. And I am like, Jesus, don't let me forget that I was once a prisoner. I was once held captive, and because of your love and your grace and mercy I was set free. And now I'm free to dream. And it's like, you know what? If the captives of Zion could become free after so long then what the heck else could be possible? It doesn't just allow them to dream for other captives, but to dream further for themselves. Like, Jesus, if you can do this for me now, then what is the limit? The captive ones from Zion began to dream. They realized in experiencing freedom that the possibilities are endless and that dreaming isn't foolish and that if they dreamed big enough that one day the Nations would see and wouldn't be able to think anything but, "the Lord has done great things". like isn't that crazy? So what the heck? I go through a couple of weird things and then I've lost hope? I dunno. I'm not beating myself up, but let's just get back up already.

Everything is too short.
My pride has to be gone.
That means being real with people that hurt me.
That means forgiving and reconciling.
Because families are still family even when they fight.

See, Kris Vallotton said that 1 person would live from Eternity.
They would go up to the third heaven, get ideas that would change the way we govern.
I'm pretty sure I have that idea. I'm pretty sure the Love Revolution was it.
I'm absolutely convinced that was straight from the throne.
Family is it.
That's the Epic battle we're fighting.
I know it.
So it's time to live like a family. Right?
I mean, I can only do what I can do, but if I refuse to reconcile then how will the world ever be able to changed in the name of "love or family" through me?
It can't, it's impossible.

I don't know.
I rambled.
But I'm not crying.
So I'm happy.
I've definitely had some repentance.

You picked me up and turned me around and placed my feet on solid ground...

Jesus is incredible.
Today has been such a good, good day.
I can't really describe. Well I suppose I could.

Anyway, I love where I am. It's a tender place with the Lord. It's reality. If everyone left I'm completely satisfied in my identity in Him. But He's teaching me to be able to receive from people those things that I expect people to receive from me. Breaking down layers of pride.

I love being broken. Jesus just rides in on me. Not because of anything I've done, I just avail myself to him. Man, I love Him. I really do. It's like He's my only reason. The reason I wake up in the morning. Tonight was really incredible. To be completely honest, I allowed myself to come under condemnation; it's such a pile of crap. Lies. Stupid. Aargh. But, I believed them. I owned them. The reality is, is I am so used to judging by people's hearts you know? And what there character tells me there heart would pick, but I don't exactly think that anyone else could possible look past my actions and see my heart. It's a bummer. But I'm learning. Remaining humble [hopefully] and transparent.

Recently I've met someone that just blows my mind. She makes me think like no one else. Our hearts are running after the same thing. It's just really incredible. I feel like I'm finally at the right place at the right time, doing the right thing. I so badly want to make sure that I follow Jesus, say the right things; with the right heart, you know? Not to impress her, but because I legitimately care about this friendship and sustaining it. Like, it's crazy. You know kindred spirits? Yeah, I think that's what it's like. God is teaching me so much. I'm just so humbled and thankful. I haven't had this close of a friend probably ever, really. It blows me away. I'm like, "Seriously?? We're friends?? What the heck??" Anyway.

God's really breaking my heart for Drake Campus. Breaking my heart for Intervarsity. Breaking my heart for Amy. It's wild. It's supernatural, really. I adore these people. Everyone knows I'm a signs and wonders junkie, I love healing- I love Holy Spirit- but all I want is for these kids to understand that Jesus radically loves them. That that's why He heals. That's why He saves. That's why He delivers. He's jealous after those things that keep us from fully abandoning ourselves to Him. Even in my life. I've been learning what it looks like to lay my life down. It's humbling. It's different. It's an adventure. It's messy and sometimes my pride rears it's ugly head. Sometimes I don't see God's eye-view. Sometimes I'm hard headed. But I'm praying, Jesus let me be pliable in your hands! Keep me low and humble, but confident and powerful! I wanna walk in fullness.

Doors are opening. Things are happening. I love it.
I can't believe that even in this time, I can bless people.
I dunno. I just wanna remain humble.
I don't want anyone thinking that it's the "Ashley show"
I want to be a vessel to put Jesus on display.
God, let me show my heart!

Anyway, everything is incredible.
even in the midst of disappointment.
People are getting healed.
I'm hearing His voice.
SOZO is coming.

I'm going to change the world. Even if it looks like a life laid down.
I'm dedicated to loving the one in front of me.
I'm really lucky for the ones that are in front of me daily.
So much wisdom.
I feel like I owe them everything.
They make each day worth living for.
They add value. It's family. I love it. I've never had it.

Anyway. It's late. I need to go.

What would it take for me to be closer to you, show me what stands in my way...

So, I'm in love. With a man, no less.
Jesus.
Like. Not cliche.
I dunno, not at all cliche.

The past week or so has been such a tremendous eye-opener. I mean, just revelation of the importance of my existence and His existence in my life. Not only that, but His desire to be a friend of mine. Like, I pick on my friends really bad, I think He longs for that from me. He wants me to be sarcastic with him, I know that sounds weird. But seriously.

I remember when I was eighteen sitting with TJ and her asking me what I want to do with the rest of my life, and my instant response was "Get married". Ha. That's hysterical. I don't think I even realized at the time that I was going to have all these desires and dreams that would get awaken the next year. I dunno. It seems that Jesus has become at least to some small degree a fulfillment of that desire. I don't even know that that is even one of the top 10 desires of my heart at this point. This time it's not even out of pride or hurt! I dunno. It's sorta crazy.

Anyway, I don't really know what this blog was supposed to be about.
It's like God is most satisfied with us when we are most satisfied in Him.
I dunno. I'm definitely like cloud 11 cuz 9 is too low.
Not like a euphoric thing, like or something where the Lord has just come through so much that I'm in an other-than state. That yes, perhaps everything around me still sucks, but I'm not coming out of love with Him. I dunno. I'm rambling.
I got a meeting in a couple hours. I need favor in this thing so I'm going to go ponder.

You're great.

All your twisted thoughts free flow to everlasting memories show soul, kiss the stars with me.

Wow, it's been far too long since I've thrown up a blog. What in the world has been going on?? I dunno... ...wait Ah, yes. Last Tuesday, wow, probably one of the WORST days of my life, right? I cried for upwards of 20 hours straight, and why? Who knows... Wednesday I was scheduled to speak in front of Ankeny Christian Academy... my authority thought that I was getting attacked for that purpose. I dunno. Probably will never know, but did glean some wisdom listening to the sound of my breaking down.

Here's what happened. I ended up confronting [in love] my boss and explain to him my deep need for family. I don't really have one in reality. [with my dad and I having the restraining order for another 4 and a half years and all] It turned out amazing. And I went home still blubbering and doing that whole breathing thing where you can really catch your breath... know what I'm talking about?? Anyway, I didn't have anything prepared for Wednesday, I mean I had an idea, but I didn't write it out so I had to hustle to slap something on paper. I jotted a small sermon about loving the Lord and loving your neighbor and the importance of that mixing in my testimony and my own heart running away from Him. I was pretty amped.

Anyway, I get to ACA and have to speak to the kindergarten through sixth graders first. I'm immediately escorted into their chapel and sitting before me are 150 or so little kids maybe even more than that! I was so excited. I love kids. Anyway, I get up and I'm like gushing with love for these kids, like, "What the heck is happening to me??" you know? Anyway, I just start asking questions and talking to them about love. I ended up saying, "Did you guys know you can change the world?!!?!?" and they responded, "No we can't." And I said, "Oh yes, you can... I promise you can change the world... who wants to change the world???" and they all stood and waved their hands super excited shouting "I do, I do, I do!" then I asked, "...if you can change one thing in the world, what would you change?" The first kid said, "People love each other more," a few more kids went and said stuff like, "get rid of sin" stuff like that, but then this little kindergarten boy with a green and blue argyle sweatervest said, "I would make it rain donuts." And that's it. That broke me. Like that response made all the crap from the day before worth it. I don't know, it was absolutely not spiritual at all, but even thinking about that moment right now makes me smile huge and I'm sure my eyes light up. It's just wow, my life was worth it, all the pain and hurt and junk just for last wednesday. Who knows, maybe they didn't pull anything from me, maybe it was a waste? But just seeing all those kids realize they can change the world made my life worth it.

Whatever. My hearts all warm now. I'm out.

You're only going to get what you give away, so give love.

I've been thinking a lot lately... ...what am I passionate about??? What is it that burns inside me? I know there's something.... ....I had to say some stuff in front of my church this weekend about all the crazy cool stuff that is going on with the love stuff, but I feel like I'm not clearly portraying the passion that's behind the cause.... ....why is this? What the heck is keeping all of me bottled up?? When I leave those situations I'm like, Dang, I should've said this and that and the other... ...but I didn't so it's just one more missed opportunity to show my heart... bummer. I want people to feel it deep within them, just my complete resolve to change the world.

I guess one of the major issues is that I feel like I'm trying to hide my past... ...in the name of self preservation... does this make sense? One of my half of authority doesn't see the importance in sharing where I've been... ...but when people ask me to share my testimony I feel like I'm without one... I think that's probably a big thing... I feel like if I were really me, people wouldn't like me soooo much that I can't be honest. That's stupid and it sucks. Anyway, the only reason I feel like we need to change the world in love is because I know that I was fully alive in Christ and seated in the old covenant... if that makes sense.... it's like I thought if I just did everything perfect I would be okay. It was like I didn't even need Jesus to get me to Heaven... it's like I sorta make my own way into heaven.... ....see that's really bad. But once I fell into sin, see I HATED homosexuals... I really did, bad. I was so homophobic that it was ridiculous... wouldn't even be in the same room... seriously.

Anyway, so when I became my own worst enemy it's like I realized my need for love, and my need for a savior. Because honestly in my opinion all homosexuals were going to hell. There was no mercy... isn't that so funny? Now I sing in the key of mercy. Everything I do is dripping in mercy because before I was cultivating an "I-told-you-so" doctrine, where I would inevitably speak out the judgments that would come true and I became justified in my sayings... how sick is that?? Anyway... ...that's my passion... dude if you're going to say something bad, well keep your crap to your freaking self because behind the sin is a potential brother and sister- there's a person. A person that needs help because they don't understand love. Every sin is simply a love deficit. Anyway. That's what I believe. I think the movie Bambi is right when it says, "If you aren't going to say something nice... ...don't say anything at all.

I'm all rambled out.

Love has a reason, there's a meaning to the world... we're giving love.

What am I thinking about???

I'm probably thinking most about how weird life is... you know? It's like, you come into contact with a bunch of people daily, people constantly come in and out of your life... ...it's crazy... Then out of that number there are several that do something to your heart and you just know that you're going to be friends forever.

Right now I'm missing some of my friends pretty bad - it's those people that have come and left a "them-shaped" impression on my heart. It doesn't matter the amount of people that come and go nor how amazing they are, that void can only be filled by those specific people themselves. That probably makes no sense. But I'm saying that I can try and avoid feeling those emotions of missing people by hanging around other people, but all I'm doing is keeping busy hoping that somehow someone will be able to be to me what that person is. Wow. Longest sentences ever. I wish I were grammatical. Oh well.

I miss you just doesn't seem to cut it. I wish there were a way for me to live in two places at the exact same time. I wish I could live at my home here in Iowa, and then live where my heart is in Redding. I miss it so much, it's like the very core of me is homesick... ...it aches with longing to go back. The amazing thing is I get to visit for a week in April, YES! but part of me is sorta dreading it because I know when I leave the homesickness will be that much stronger... See, Brian and Jenn came to our church a couple of months ago and as soon as I saw them I started bawling. It wasn't a star-struck moment. It was a, wow- I wanna go home. I really do. Anyway, all that said maybe one day I will be blessed with the ability to say that Redding, CA is my home. For now, I'm in Des Moines, IA, preparing to change the state with love.

I wonder if that's why I'm so tender hearted. - I mean the love stuff...
You know my one fear is that I'm going to shame the name of Jesus?
I fear it constantly. I think I cry weekly in the shower praying, "Jesus, I want you to move, but I never want to disgrace your name; if I'm going to- pick someone else because I want to love you, truly love you."
I always said, "When I find Him, I will not let go."
I never want to let go.
Anyway, my friend and I were just joking about how I'll probably cry the entire time I'm in Redding... ...yeah it's probably true... not gonna lie.
But wait, where was I going... ...right... maybe my tender-heartedness somehow qualifies me. Ha. That's so arrogant. I'm definitely NOT qualified. I can't even love my best friend without some selfishness in there... ...and I would say the love I show toward my friend's is as near to Jesus love as I know... ...so I'm completely disqualified, lol. But maybe, just maybe the tenderheartedness is a brokenness that attracts the heart of God because my willingness to be transparent and humble far exceeds my desire to save myself. Not saying I have it all together. But I thought I did.

I thought I was the shit. Man, I did. [sorry that's just honest wording]
I went to Bethel, I was all, "Yeah I've barely sinned, I love Jesus, I'm invincible."
Then I got humbled and humiliated.
I fell in such a manner that most churches wouldn't even allow me to come in and speak.
I basically in one decision potentially threw away my dreams.
So, yeah. I don't have it all together, but I realize I'm a piece of crap without Jesus.
All I want to do is love Him and love others to a greater degree than I feel loved.
To love the Lord w/ all my heart, and love my neighbor even more than myself.
Trust me, I love myself. I'm definitely my biggest fan. I want to become the biggest fan of the hardest one to love. I want to become the biggest fan of my worst enemy. You know?
Oh well. Whatever. I don't think I'm making sense.
The rambling has come to a close.

Can you tell me how we got into the situation?

So, I'm sure you've had plenty of time to swallow since my last post. Didn't think it'd be so intense, did you? Well. Desperate times call for transparent measures. Really, honestly; with everything that's going on and will go on involving me and changing the world "In the name of Jesus" I'm going to be thrown under the bus... and well I wanna put myself there before I have a chance to be thrown. :smile:

So, here I go; I'm laying down.
I can tell you that the past few years have been hell... ...no emotional stuff involved. Even if my heart would've remained intact it would've been hell and it's because that's where I was headed. Maybe not fully, I'm not and will never fully be convinced that I would've ended up in hell, but just having the Lord really, really close and then not even being able to approach Him is probably the closest thing to hell that I'll know. Who knows, maybe that's the reality of hell. Every tongue confessing every knee bowing to His Lordship and the reality of Him and then being dispersed depending on your heart's relationship toward Him. Wow, what a sobering thought. You meet the most incredible man in the history of men only to realize that you've been bamboozled you're whole life with lies. Jesus, mercy.

Anyway, that was not supposed to condemn anyone.


I guess, my mistake was the greatest thing that could've ever happened to me. I learned a lot. I learned what love is, but I found mostly by experiencing first hand what love ISN'T. You ever think about Corinthians 13 where the Paul says, "Well, love is patient, love is kind... ...but here's a huge list of things that love isn't." Love is defined more by what it's not than what it is. This thought still perplexes me. Anyway. Ramble.

So, what now?
Well, I've never sinned a day in my life!
It says once we're forgiven He puts that stuff as far as the east is from the west.... that's a pretty long ways. So, I'm clean, and I've never sinned. That's incredible. Probably the best thought ever. That I can approach Him at the end of my life and be found faithful. Yes!! But you know what else? I carry with me a story that will release a measure of grace to those that struggle. See because I know a girl that was stuck in homosexuality, lost and saying every night, "What in the world is going on... ...what is truth?? I just want to be really loved." But the man Jesus, using others' harsh unkind words and forceful shoves, showed His love to this girl and she has never been the same, and will never be. She's overcome and has life abundantly. Isn't that an incredible testimony? I think so.

After all; we're only human. Fighting what we're feeling, hurt instead of healing. After all...

It's our God-forsaken right to be loved.

What a thought. It's our right. We deserve love. Huh. I, Ashley Ayersman, deserve to be loved. With huge intensity- might I add. Not only do I deserve to be loved, I deserve to love to the same degree or greater. I think the craziest thought ever is the whole idea that we love because He first loved us... I mean, I'd think that I could love without needing to be loved first, but it's not true. The only reason I can love is because the man Jesus Christ loves me, before the foundation of the world. Before there was an Adam and an Eve, before I was cleansed and saved and made completely whole in Him. Before I made a decision to live according to His life and fullness, He loved me to the same degree and same intensity that He loves me in this moment. Mind you I feel way less saved then before, lol. I know that this blog has somewhat become a ventilation station for me, so please be patient reading through everything. But I have to get some stuff off my chest...

• I got saved when I was 17 and didn't really do any major sin actually I was ridiculously pure without the Lord -I think He was always really close even when I was far off-
• I went to bible college, stayed outta trouble and loved the Lord and was running full on after Him.
• I went to supernatural ministry school and fell in love with a guy from Iowa and got a promise ring and was absolutely ecstatic.
• This guy broke my heart and basically kicked me in the stomach while I was running full boar after the Lord.
• Then I ran away from church and from God. I was so pissed.
• I ended up living out the lesbian lifestyle for probably 2 years. well maybe not quite that long. probably got deeper in the lifestyle than most people ever will.
• I ended up getting kicked out of the lifestyle and thrust back into reality.
• I wanted to kill myself but the Lord wouldn't let me go and captivated my heart.
• I surrendered again. This time for real. Covered in humility.

I guess all that to say, I am absolutely undeserving of love. Jesus should definitely hate my guts. Think about it, your best friend suddenly blames you for their life's crap and then says, "You know what, I'm through with you.. ..you are no good [even though you're completely innocent and all you want is the best for them and all you've done is given your life to be their friend]." How hurt and offended would I be???? Well, Jesus isn't. And He brought me back and nurtured me and said, "You know what, you think you've blown it.. ..but only I can take a mistake and make it a miracle.. ..you watch and see." Isn't this an amazing God that we have. That though I was once far off, He has brought me back in and reestablished me in His love. It's crazy grace. Not just getting past my sin, but getting back into communion and unity with Him. The ability to be in right relationship with Him and to converse with Him freely. I dunno. Well that was a lot of gut spilling, so I'll let that settle for now. Hope you enjoyed.

The first of twenty-one.

So here it is... ...the inevitable blog. The very existence of me in the cyber-space realm. What do I say to open it up? A joke? Some sort of, "It was a cold and blustery evening."? If only I had some sort of professional narrator to spice up the words I'm about to type. I think if I had a choice it would be William Shatner. I'd love to have Captain Kirk-esque accent complimenting my random, deep, and sometimes awkwardly honest thoughts. Anyway. What's the point of this whole deal, besides of course verbalizing transparency?? I dunno, but I'm hoping that somewhere in the breakdown of my life someone will be able to glean some sort of wisdom.. ..or really an 'lol' would suffice.

I know it seems all too predictable, but recently my life has been absolute hell. It's ridiculous. Incredible actually... ...just different, lol. I don't know who all will be reading this, but here is a small run-down on the goings on in my life.

• I'm starting a movement called the Love Revolution that will inevitably change the world
• I'm on staff full-time at the house of prayer which involves my salary being donation-based.
• My family is losing our house - being foreclosed on actually. Homeless.
• My dog and I will be facing foreclosure as well when the move happens.
• Then just life. Dealing with the effects of previous lifestyle decisions.

So there it is.. ..watch it now.

Anyway, the last bullet is probably the big one right now. I've never had a hard time changing my mind, but changing my heart.. ..yeah it's impossible. So I'm like, "Lord...". It's good though, I'm learning a lot about how much I suck and how dark my heart really is. It's so incredible that even in this second the Lord calls me dark, yet lovely. He doesn't minimize my darkness... He just says, "Yeah, but that's lovely to me." That's awesome. I still don't really get it.. ..but I want to. What now. What is really going on, on this first of twenty-one?? I guess I'm just really learning that I'm broken and that's beautiful as long as I remain vulnerable in my brokenness.

I suppose I should elaborate.
I don't really know anything about love.. ..the one person I ever loved with what I would call "ever-lasting love" uh, well was completely sin-based and really the furthest from everlasting... ...especially cuz it ended, lol. Now I have a few friends that I love and there are just a couple from that few that I truly love as best as I even know how and even that is still selfish at times. So, how can I start a love movement??? I have nothing I feel. I'm just stepping out hoping that the Lord uses me like Abraham and Moses. Anyway. That's just honest. I feel really broken and humbled. I guess in the midst of this crisis of self everything else I should really be freaking out about sorta has faded. This is the real big issue for me. Abiding in identity and love. But not any one person's thoughts and emotions, but the King of Kings... you know? I know that sounds crazy... ...you're like "You are looking from affirmation from someone that you can't even see??" Well, yep, it's true. It's the ONLY reality. I believe it. I can prove it... ...just read on.

Here's the cool part, I can actually get the Lord Jesus to come into your situation, all you gotta do is just keep reading... ...you can really tangibly feel Him. Not that I'm trying to convert you or anything... I'm just going to prove to you His Lordship.

King Jesus, I ask that right now you step into the room with everyone reading this. That they would instantly feel your presence and your heart toward them. Amen.

SEE HE IS REAL! I TOLD YOU.

Anyway, that's all for day one.
I think I will ramble more sensically tomorrow.