What am I thinking about???
I'm probably thinking most about how weird life is... you know? It's like, you come into contact with a bunch of people daily, people constantly come in and out of your life... ...it's crazy... Then out of that number there are several that do something to your heart and you just know that you're going to be friends forever.
Right now I'm missing some of my friends pretty bad - it's those people that have come and left a "them-shaped" impression on my heart. It doesn't matter the amount of people that come and go nor how amazing they are, that void can only be filled by those specific people themselves. That probably makes no sense. But I'm saying that I can try and avoid feeling those emotions of missing people by hanging around other people, but all I'm doing is keeping busy hoping that somehow someone will be able to be to me what that person is. Wow. Longest sentences ever. I wish I were grammatical. Oh well.
I miss you just doesn't seem to cut it. I wish there were a way for me to live in two places at the exact same time. I wish I could live at my home here in Iowa, and then live where my heart is in Redding. I miss it so much, it's like the very core of me is homesick... ...it aches with longing to go back. The amazing thing is I get to visit for a week in April, YES! but part of me is sorta dreading it because I know when I leave the homesickness will be that much stronger... See, Brian and Jenn came to our church a couple of months ago and as soon as I saw them I started bawling. It wasn't a star-struck moment. It was a, wow- I wanna go home. I really do. Anyway, all that said maybe one day I will be blessed with the ability to say that Redding, CA is my home. For now, I'm in Des Moines, IA, preparing to change the state with love.
I wonder if that's why I'm so tender hearted. - I mean the love stuff...
You know my one fear is that I'm going to shame the name of Jesus?
I fear it constantly. I think I cry weekly in the shower praying, "Jesus, I want you to move, but I never want to disgrace your name; if I'm going to- pick someone else because I want to love you, truly love you."
I always said, "When I find Him, I will not let go."
I never want to let go.
Anyway, my friend and I were just joking about how I'll probably cry the entire time I'm in Redding... ...yeah it's probably true... not gonna lie.
But wait, where was I going... ...right... maybe my tender-heartedness somehow qualifies me. Ha. That's so arrogant. I'm definitely NOT qualified. I can't even love my best friend without some selfishness in there... ...and I would say the love I show toward my friend's is as near to Jesus love as I know... ...so I'm completely disqualified, lol. But maybe, just maybe the tenderheartedness is a brokenness that attracts the heart of God because my willingness to be transparent and humble far exceeds my desire to save myself. Not saying I have it all together. But I thought I did.
I thought I was the shit. Man, I did. [sorry that's just honest wording]
I went to Bethel, I was all, "Yeah I've barely sinned, I love Jesus, I'm invincible."
Then I got humbled and humiliated.
I fell in such a manner that most churches wouldn't even allow me to come in and speak.
I basically in one decision potentially threw away my dreams.
So, yeah. I don't have it all together, but I realize I'm a piece of crap without Jesus.
All I want to do is love Him and love others to a greater degree than I feel loved.
To love the Lord w/ all my heart, and love my neighbor even more than myself.
Trust me, I love myself. I'm definitely my biggest fan. I want to become the biggest fan of the hardest one to love. I want to become the biggest fan of my worst enemy. You know?
Oh well. Whatever. I don't think I'm making sense.
The rambling has come to a close.
No comments:
Post a Comment