It's our God-forsaken right to be loved.

What a thought. It's our right. We deserve love. Huh. I, Ashley Ayersman, deserve to be loved. With huge intensity- might I add. Not only do I deserve to be loved, I deserve to love to the same degree or greater. I think the craziest thought ever is the whole idea that we love because He first loved us... I mean, I'd think that I could love without needing to be loved first, but it's not true. The only reason I can love is because the man Jesus Christ loves me, before the foundation of the world. Before there was an Adam and an Eve, before I was cleansed and saved and made completely whole in Him. Before I made a decision to live according to His life and fullness, He loved me to the same degree and same intensity that He loves me in this moment. Mind you I feel way less saved then before, lol. I know that this blog has somewhat become a ventilation station for me, so please be patient reading through everything. But I have to get some stuff off my chest...

• I got saved when I was 17 and didn't really do any major sin actually I was ridiculously pure without the Lord -I think He was always really close even when I was far off-
• I went to bible college, stayed outta trouble and loved the Lord and was running full on after Him.
• I went to supernatural ministry school and fell in love with a guy from Iowa and got a promise ring and was absolutely ecstatic.
• This guy broke my heart and basically kicked me in the stomach while I was running full boar after the Lord.
• Then I ran away from church and from God. I was so pissed.
• I ended up living out the lesbian lifestyle for probably 2 years. well maybe not quite that long. probably got deeper in the lifestyle than most people ever will.
• I ended up getting kicked out of the lifestyle and thrust back into reality.
• I wanted to kill myself but the Lord wouldn't let me go and captivated my heart.
• I surrendered again. This time for real. Covered in humility.

I guess all that to say, I am absolutely undeserving of love. Jesus should definitely hate my guts. Think about it, your best friend suddenly blames you for their life's crap and then says, "You know what, I'm through with you.. ..you are no good [even though you're completely innocent and all you want is the best for them and all you've done is given your life to be their friend]." How hurt and offended would I be???? Well, Jesus isn't. And He brought me back and nurtured me and said, "You know what, you think you've blown it.. ..but only I can take a mistake and make it a miracle.. ..you watch and see." Isn't this an amazing God that we have. That though I was once far off, He has brought me back in and reestablished me in His love. It's crazy grace. Not just getting past my sin, but getting back into communion and unity with Him. The ability to be in right relationship with Him and to converse with Him freely. I dunno. Well that was a lot of gut spilling, so I'll let that settle for now. Hope you enjoyed.