I've been running,.. I've been skipping like a stone... and I don't know if I, I can do this all alone...

Some people (myself included) will never get it, will they?

You can wind up going your entire life and never realizing how much you mean to someone because of your insecurities. The one person that you treasure their opinion and value their company can be completely oblivious of their worth. Suddenly in moments it's all gone. Will it ever be the same? I don't know. Will your heart ever be the same? Doesn't seem likely.

It's deep heart hurt. Almost that feeling of being letdown. Probably a little bit more of a burning sensation, but overall just pain. Not because you ever expected anything from anyone, but just because you've tried this whole time to mean something. My goal in life is to be the best me I can be and inspire others to be the best them.

Wouldn't that change the world?

You see people that rub people the wrong way, and you think in your head... man I never wanna be that guy (or girl). At the end of the day you may end up becoming the very thing you were absolutely against. When all is said and done we're all going to be let down, listen, I'm going to let you down. Don't trust me.

So the question isn't, do you trust me?
It's do you trust God to have your back even when I let you down?

I know I'm going to let you down.

I hate that I've been going along this whole time thinking everything was okay. Thinking I was making a difference, thinking I mattered, thinking I belonged. But I don't. I haven't. It's been a "just kidding". I suppose even if we're good for nothing, we're still good for something?

All I know is that I feel like my heart has been pulled out of my chest thrown on the ground and had a stampede of very large animals, cars, people, etc.. walking/driving/running over it. It's that kind of pain where you feel like you're running really really fast- like gaining ground -and then you get punched in the gut. You could see the finish line, you were within inches, but out of nowhere all of the oxygen is stripped from your lungs. Leaving you motionless on the ground wondering "What the heck just happened?"

Where am i going with this?

I wanted to change the world. But really I just wanted to mean something. To one person. The more I focused on changing the world in a grand scheme, the more I realized that I just really love individual people and would rather see them inspired then to focus on the world and never mean a great deal to one person, but just meaning a small amount to everyone.

In my feeble attempt to fully love just a small amount of people, I've failed. That's why it hurts so bad. I let them down. Not that I didn't know that I'd probably mess it up at some point, but I just wish for once in my whole life I could really express my heart. Like, I think I could really be a great friend. Don't we all have that in us? Even when I try the best I can, it still sucks.

I let me down.
I let you down.