So, I'm in love. With a man, no less.
Jesus.
Like. Not cliche.
I dunno, not at all cliche.
The past week or so has been such a tremendous eye-opener. I mean, just revelation of the importance of my existence and His existence in my life. Not only that, but His desire to be a friend of mine. Like, I pick on my friends really bad, I think He longs for that from me. He wants me to be sarcastic with him, I know that sounds weird. But seriously.
I remember when I was eighteen sitting with TJ and her asking me what I want to do with the rest of my life, and my instant response was "Get married". Ha. That's hysterical. I don't think I even realized at the time that I was going to have all these desires and dreams that would get awaken the next year. I dunno. It seems that Jesus has become at least to some small degree a fulfillment of that desire. I don't even know that that is even one of the top 10 desires of my heart at this point. This time it's not even out of pride or hurt! I dunno. It's sorta crazy.
Anyway, I don't really know what this blog was supposed to be about.
It's like God is most satisfied with us when we are most satisfied in Him.
I dunno. I'm definitely like cloud 11 cuz 9 is too low.
Not like a euphoric thing, like or something where the Lord has just come through so much that I'm in an other-than state. That yes, perhaps everything around me still sucks, but I'm not coming out of love with Him. I dunno. I'm rambling.
I got a meeting in a couple hours. I need favor in this thing so I'm going to go ponder.
You're great.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
All your twisted thoughts free flow to everlasting memories show soul, kiss the stars with me.
Wow, it's been far too long since I've thrown up a blog. What in the world has been going on?? I dunno... ...wait Ah, yes. Last Tuesday, wow, probably one of the WORST days of my life, right? I cried for upwards of 20 hours straight, and why? Who knows... Wednesday I was scheduled to speak in front of Ankeny Christian Academy... my authority thought that I was getting attacked for that purpose. I dunno. Probably will never know, but did glean some wisdom listening to the sound of my breaking down.
Here's what happened. I ended up confronting [in love] my boss and explain to him my deep need for family. I don't really have one in reality. [with my dad and I having the restraining order for another 4 and a half years and all] It turned out amazing. And I went home still blubbering and doing that whole breathing thing where you can really catch your breath... know what I'm talking about?? Anyway, I didn't have anything prepared for Wednesday, I mean I had an idea, but I didn't write it out so I had to hustle to slap something on paper. I jotted a small sermon about loving the Lord and loving your neighbor and the importance of that mixing in my testimony and my own heart running away from Him. I was pretty amped.
Anyway, I get to ACA and have to speak to the kindergarten through sixth graders first. I'm immediately escorted into their chapel and sitting before me are 150 or so little kids maybe even more than that! I was so excited. I love kids. Anyway, I get up and I'm like gushing with love for these kids, like, "What the heck is happening to me??" you know? Anyway, I just start asking questions and talking to them about love. I ended up saying, "Did you guys know you can change the world?!!?!?" and they responded, "No we can't." And I said, "Oh yes, you can... I promise you can change the world... who wants to change the world???" and they all stood and waved their hands super excited shouting "I do, I do, I do!" then I asked, "...if you can change one thing in the world, what would you change?" The first kid said, "People love each other more," a few more kids went and said stuff like, "get rid of sin" stuff like that, but then this little kindergarten boy with a green and blue argyle sweatervest said, "I would make it rain donuts." And that's it. That broke me. Like that response made all the crap from the day before worth it. I don't know, it was absolutely not spiritual at all, but even thinking about that moment right now makes me smile huge and I'm sure my eyes light up. It's just wow, my life was worth it, all the pain and hurt and junk just for last wednesday. Who knows, maybe they didn't pull anything from me, maybe it was a waste? But just seeing all those kids realize they can change the world made my life worth it.
Whatever. My hearts all warm now. I'm out.
Here's what happened. I ended up confronting [in love] my boss and explain to him my deep need for family. I don't really have one in reality. [with my dad and I having the restraining order for another 4 and a half years and all] It turned out amazing. And I went home still blubbering and doing that whole breathing thing where you can really catch your breath... know what I'm talking about?? Anyway, I didn't have anything prepared for Wednesday, I mean I had an idea, but I didn't write it out so I had to hustle to slap something on paper. I jotted a small sermon about loving the Lord and loving your neighbor and the importance of that mixing in my testimony and my own heart running away from Him. I was pretty amped.
Anyway, I get to ACA and have to speak to the kindergarten through sixth graders first. I'm immediately escorted into their chapel and sitting before me are 150 or so little kids maybe even more than that! I was so excited. I love kids. Anyway, I get up and I'm like gushing with love for these kids, like, "What the heck is happening to me??" you know? Anyway, I just start asking questions and talking to them about love. I ended up saying, "Did you guys know you can change the world?!!?!?" and they responded, "No we can't." And I said, "Oh yes, you can... I promise you can change the world... who wants to change the world???" and they all stood and waved their hands super excited shouting "I do, I do, I do!" then I asked, "...if you can change one thing in the world, what would you change?" The first kid said, "People love each other more," a few more kids went and said stuff like, "get rid of sin" stuff like that, but then this little kindergarten boy with a green and blue argyle sweatervest said, "I would make it rain donuts." And that's it. That broke me. Like that response made all the crap from the day before worth it. I don't know, it was absolutely not spiritual at all, but even thinking about that moment right now makes me smile huge and I'm sure my eyes light up. It's just wow, my life was worth it, all the pain and hurt and junk just for last wednesday. Who knows, maybe they didn't pull anything from me, maybe it was a waste? But just seeing all those kids realize they can change the world made my life worth it.
Whatever. My hearts all warm now. I'm out.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
You're only going to get what you give away, so give love.
I've been thinking a lot lately... ...what am I passionate about??? What is it that burns inside me? I know there's something.... ....I had to say some stuff in front of my church this weekend about all the crazy cool stuff that is going on with the love stuff, but I feel like I'm not clearly portraying the passion that's behind the cause.... ....why is this? What the heck is keeping all of me bottled up?? When I leave those situations I'm like, Dang, I should've said this and that and the other... ...but I didn't so it's just one more missed opportunity to show my heart... bummer. I want people to feel it deep within them, just my complete resolve to change the world.
I guess one of the major issues is that I feel like I'm trying to hide my past... ...in the name of self preservation... does this make sense? One of my half of authority doesn't see the importance in sharing where I've been... ...but when people ask me to share my testimony I feel like I'm without one... I think that's probably a big thing... I feel like if I were really me, people wouldn't like me soooo much that I can't be honest. That's stupid and it sucks. Anyway, the only reason I feel like we need to change the world in love is because I know that I was fully alive in Christ and seated in the old covenant... if that makes sense.... it's like I thought if I just did everything perfect I would be okay. It was like I didn't even need Jesus to get me to Heaven... it's like I sorta make my own way into heaven.... ....see that's really bad. But once I fell into sin, see I HATED homosexuals... I really did, bad. I was so homophobic that it was ridiculous... wouldn't even be in the same room... seriously.
Anyway, so when I became my own worst enemy it's like I realized my need for love, and my need for a savior. Because honestly in my opinion all homosexuals were going to hell. There was no mercy... isn't that so funny? Now I sing in the key of mercy. Everything I do is dripping in mercy because before I was cultivating an "I-told-you-so" doctrine, where I would inevitably speak out the judgments that would come true and I became justified in my sayings... how sick is that?? Anyway... ...that's my passion... dude if you're going to say something bad, well keep your crap to your freaking self because behind the sin is a potential brother and sister- there's a person. A person that needs help because they don't understand love. Every sin is simply a love deficit. Anyway. That's what I believe. I think the movie Bambi is right when it says, "If you aren't going to say something nice... ...don't say anything at all.
I'm all rambled out.
I guess one of the major issues is that I feel like I'm trying to hide my past... ...in the name of self preservation... does this make sense? One of my half of authority doesn't see the importance in sharing where I've been... ...but when people ask me to share my testimony I feel like I'm without one... I think that's probably a big thing... I feel like if I were really me, people wouldn't like me soooo much that I can't be honest. That's stupid and it sucks. Anyway, the only reason I feel like we need to change the world in love is because I know that I was fully alive in Christ and seated in the old covenant... if that makes sense.... it's like I thought if I just did everything perfect I would be okay. It was like I didn't even need Jesus to get me to Heaven... it's like I sorta make my own way into heaven.... ....see that's really bad. But once I fell into sin, see I HATED homosexuals... I really did, bad. I was so homophobic that it was ridiculous... wouldn't even be in the same room... seriously.
Anyway, so when I became my own worst enemy it's like I realized my need for love, and my need for a savior. Because honestly in my opinion all homosexuals were going to hell. There was no mercy... isn't that so funny? Now I sing in the key of mercy. Everything I do is dripping in mercy because before I was cultivating an "I-told-you-so" doctrine, where I would inevitably speak out the judgments that would come true and I became justified in my sayings... how sick is that?? Anyway... ...that's my passion... dude if you're going to say something bad, well keep your crap to your freaking self because behind the sin is a potential brother and sister- there's a person. A person that needs help because they don't understand love. Every sin is simply a love deficit. Anyway. That's what I believe. I think the movie Bambi is right when it says, "If you aren't going to say something nice... ...don't say anything at all.
I'm all rambled out.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Love has a reason, there's a meaning to the world... we're giving love.
What am I thinking about???
I'm probably thinking most about how weird life is... you know? It's like, you come into contact with a bunch of people daily, people constantly come in and out of your life... ...it's crazy... Then out of that number there are several that do something to your heart and you just know that you're going to be friends forever.
Right now I'm missing some of my friends pretty bad - it's those people that have come and left a "them-shaped" impression on my heart. It doesn't matter the amount of people that come and go nor how amazing they are, that void can only be filled by those specific people themselves. That probably makes no sense. But I'm saying that I can try and avoid feeling those emotions of missing people by hanging around other people, but all I'm doing is keeping busy hoping that somehow someone will be able to be to me what that person is. Wow. Longest sentences ever. I wish I were grammatical. Oh well.
I miss you just doesn't seem to cut it. I wish there were a way for me to live in two places at the exact same time. I wish I could live at my home here in Iowa, and then live where my heart is in Redding. I miss it so much, it's like the very core of me is homesick... ...it aches with longing to go back. The amazing thing is I get to visit for a week in April, YES! but part of me is sorta dreading it because I know when I leave the homesickness will be that much stronger... See, Brian and Jenn came to our church a couple of months ago and as soon as I saw them I started bawling. It wasn't a star-struck moment. It was a, wow- I wanna go home. I really do. Anyway, all that said maybe one day I will be blessed with the ability to say that Redding, CA is my home. For now, I'm in Des Moines, IA, preparing to change the state with love.
I wonder if that's why I'm so tender hearted. - I mean the love stuff...
You know my one fear is that I'm going to shame the name of Jesus?
I fear it constantly. I think I cry weekly in the shower praying, "Jesus, I want you to move, but I never want to disgrace your name; if I'm going to- pick someone else because I want to love you, truly love you."
I always said, "When I find Him, I will not let go."
I never want to let go.
Anyway, my friend and I were just joking about how I'll probably cry the entire time I'm in Redding... ...yeah it's probably true... not gonna lie.
But wait, where was I going... ...right... maybe my tender-heartedness somehow qualifies me. Ha. That's so arrogant. I'm definitely NOT qualified. I can't even love my best friend without some selfishness in there... ...and I would say the love I show toward my friend's is as near to Jesus love as I know... ...so I'm completely disqualified, lol. But maybe, just maybe the tenderheartedness is a brokenness that attracts the heart of God because my willingness to be transparent and humble far exceeds my desire to save myself. Not saying I have it all together. But I thought I did.
I thought I was the shit. Man, I did. [sorry that's just honest wording]
I went to Bethel, I was all, "Yeah I've barely sinned, I love Jesus, I'm invincible."
Then I got humbled and humiliated.
I fell in such a manner that most churches wouldn't even allow me to come in and speak.
I basically in one decision potentially threw away my dreams.
So, yeah. I don't have it all together, but I realize I'm a piece of crap without Jesus.
All I want to do is love Him and love others to a greater degree than I feel loved.
To love the Lord w/ all my heart, and love my neighbor even more than myself.
Trust me, I love myself. I'm definitely my biggest fan. I want to become the biggest fan of the hardest one to love. I want to become the biggest fan of my worst enemy. You know?
Oh well. Whatever. I don't think I'm making sense.
The rambling has come to a close.
I'm probably thinking most about how weird life is... you know? It's like, you come into contact with a bunch of people daily, people constantly come in and out of your life... ...it's crazy... Then out of that number there are several that do something to your heart and you just know that you're going to be friends forever.
Right now I'm missing some of my friends pretty bad - it's those people that have come and left a "them-shaped" impression on my heart. It doesn't matter the amount of people that come and go nor how amazing they are, that void can only be filled by those specific people themselves. That probably makes no sense. But I'm saying that I can try and avoid feeling those emotions of missing people by hanging around other people, but all I'm doing is keeping busy hoping that somehow someone will be able to be to me what that person is. Wow. Longest sentences ever. I wish I were grammatical. Oh well.
I miss you just doesn't seem to cut it. I wish there were a way for me to live in two places at the exact same time. I wish I could live at my home here in Iowa, and then live where my heart is in Redding. I miss it so much, it's like the very core of me is homesick... ...it aches with longing to go back. The amazing thing is I get to visit for a week in April, YES! but part of me is sorta dreading it because I know when I leave the homesickness will be that much stronger... See, Brian and Jenn came to our church a couple of months ago and as soon as I saw them I started bawling. It wasn't a star-struck moment. It was a, wow- I wanna go home. I really do. Anyway, all that said maybe one day I will be blessed with the ability to say that Redding, CA is my home. For now, I'm in Des Moines, IA, preparing to change the state with love.
I wonder if that's why I'm so tender hearted. - I mean the love stuff...
You know my one fear is that I'm going to shame the name of Jesus?
I fear it constantly. I think I cry weekly in the shower praying, "Jesus, I want you to move, but I never want to disgrace your name; if I'm going to- pick someone else because I want to love you, truly love you."
I always said, "When I find Him, I will not let go."
I never want to let go.
Anyway, my friend and I were just joking about how I'll probably cry the entire time I'm in Redding... ...yeah it's probably true... not gonna lie.
But wait, where was I going... ...right... maybe my tender-heartedness somehow qualifies me. Ha. That's so arrogant. I'm definitely NOT qualified. I can't even love my best friend without some selfishness in there... ...and I would say the love I show toward my friend's is as near to Jesus love as I know... ...so I'm completely disqualified, lol. But maybe, just maybe the tenderheartedness is a brokenness that attracts the heart of God because my willingness to be transparent and humble far exceeds my desire to save myself. Not saying I have it all together. But I thought I did.
I thought I was the shit. Man, I did. [sorry that's just honest wording]
I went to Bethel, I was all, "Yeah I've barely sinned, I love Jesus, I'm invincible."
Then I got humbled and humiliated.
I fell in such a manner that most churches wouldn't even allow me to come in and speak.
I basically in one decision potentially threw away my dreams.
So, yeah. I don't have it all together, but I realize I'm a piece of crap without Jesus.
All I want to do is love Him and love others to a greater degree than I feel loved.
To love the Lord w/ all my heart, and love my neighbor even more than myself.
Trust me, I love myself. I'm definitely my biggest fan. I want to become the biggest fan of the hardest one to love. I want to become the biggest fan of my worst enemy. You know?
Oh well. Whatever. I don't think I'm making sense.
The rambling has come to a close.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Can you tell me how we got into the situation?
So, I'm sure you've had plenty of time to swallow since my last post. Didn't think it'd be so intense, did you? Well. Desperate times call for transparent measures. Really, honestly; with everything that's going on and will go on involving me and changing the world "In the name of Jesus" I'm going to be thrown under the bus... and well I wanna put myself there before I have a chance to be thrown. :smile:
So, here I go; I'm laying down.
I can tell you that the past few years have been hell... ...no emotional stuff involved. Even if my heart would've remained intact it would've been hell and it's because that's where I was headed. Maybe not fully, I'm not and will never fully be convinced that I would've ended up in hell, but just having the Lord really, really close and then not even being able to approach Him is probably the closest thing to hell that I'll know. Who knows, maybe that's the reality of hell. Every tongue confessing every knee bowing to His Lordship and the reality of Him and then being dispersed depending on your heart's relationship toward Him. Wow, what a sobering thought. You meet the most incredible man in the history of men only to realize that you've been bamboozled you're whole life with lies. Jesus, mercy.
Anyway, that was not supposed to condemn anyone.
I guess, my mistake was the greatest thing that could've ever happened to me. I learned a lot. I learned what love is, but I found mostly by experiencing first hand what love ISN'T. You ever think about Corinthians 13 where the Paul says, "Well, love is patient, love is kind... ...but here's a huge list of things that love isn't." Love is defined more by what it's not than what it is. This thought still perplexes me. Anyway. Ramble.
So, what now?
Well, I've never sinned a day in my life!
It says once we're forgiven He puts that stuff as far as the east is from the west.... that's a pretty long ways. So, I'm clean, and I've never sinned. That's incredible. Probably the best thought ever. That I can approach Him at the end of my life and be found faithful. Yes!! But you know what else? I carry with me a story that will release a measure of grace to those that struggle. See because I know a girl that was stuck in homosexuality, lost and saying every night, "What in the world is going on... ...what is truth?? I just want to be really loved." But the man Jesus, using others' harsh unkind words and forceful shoves, showed His love to this girl and she has never been the same, and will never be. She's overcome and has life abundantly. Isn't that an incredible testimony? I think so.
After all; we're only human. Fighting what we're feeling, hurt instead of healing. After all...
So, here I go; I'm laying down.
I can tell you that the past few years have been hell... ...no emotional stuff involved. Even if my heart would've remained intact it would've been hell and it's because that's where I was headed. Maybe not fully, I'm not and will never fully be convinced that I would've ended up in hell, but just having the Lord really, really close and then not even being able to approach Him is probably the closest thing to hell that I'll know. Who knows, maybe that's the reality of hell. Every tongue confessing every knee bowing to His Lordship and the reality of Him and then being dispersed depending on your heart's relationship toward Him. Wow, what a sobering thought. You meet the most incredible man in the history of men only to realize that you've been bamboozled you're whole life with lies. Jesus, mercy.
Anyway, that was not supposed to condemn anyone.
I guess, my mistake was the greatest thing that could've ever happened to me. I learned a lot. I learned what love is, but I found mostly by experiencing first hand what love ISN'T. You ever think about Corinthians 13 where the Paul says, "Well, love is patient, love is kind... ...but here's a huge list of things that love isn't." Love is defined more by what it's not than what it is. This thought still perplexes me. Anyway. Ramble.
So, what now?
Well, I've never sinned a day in my life!
It says once we're forgiven He puts that stuff as far as the east is from the west.... that's a pretty long ways. So, I'm clean, and I've never sinned. That's incredible. Probably the best thought ever. That I can approach Him at the end of my life and be found faithful. Yes!! But you know what else? I carry with me a story that will release a measure of grace to those that struggle. See because I know a girl that was stuck in homosexuality, lost and saying every night, "What in the world is going on... ...what is truth?? I just want to be really loved." But the man Jesus, using others' harsh unkind words and forceful shoves, showed His love to this girl and she has never been the same, and will never be. She's overcome and has life abundantly. Isn't that an incredible testimony? I think so.
After all; we're only human. Fighting what we're feeling, hurt instead of healing. After all...
Monday, January 5, 2009
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved.
What a thought. It's our right. We deserve love. Huh. I, Ashley Ayersman, deserve to be loved. With huge intensity- might I add. Not only do I deserve to be loved, I deserve to love to the same degree or greater. I think the craziest thought ever is the whole idea that we love because He first loved us... I mean, I'd think that I could love without needing to be loved first, but it's not true. The only reason I can love is because the man Jesus Christ loves me, before the foundation of the world. Before there was an Adam and an Eve, before I was cleansed and saved and made completely whole in Him. Before I made a decision to live according to His life and fullness, He loved me to the same degree and same intensity that He loves me in this moment. Mind you I feel way less saved then before, lol. I know that this blog has somewhat become a ventilation station for me, so please be patient reading through everything. But I have to get some stuff off my chest...
- I got saved when I was 17 and didn't really do any major sin actually I was ridiculously pure without the Lord -I think He was always really close even when I was far off-
- I went to bible college, stayed outta trouble and loved the Lord and was running full on after Him.
- I went to supernatural ministry school and fell in love with a guy from Iowa and got a promise ring and was absolutely ecstatic.
- This guy broke my heart and basically kicked me in the stomach while I was running full boar after the Lord.
- Then I ran away from church and from God. I was so pissed.
- I ended up living out the lesbian lifestyle for probably 2 years. well maybe not quite that long. probably got deeper in the lifestyle than most people ever will.
- I ended up getting kicked out of the lifestyle and thrust back into reality.
- I wanted to kill myself but the Lord wouldn't let me go and captivated my heart.
- I surrendered again. This time for real. Covered in humility.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
The first of twenty-one.
So here it is... ...the inevitable blog. The very existence of me in the cyber-space realm. What do I say to open it up? A joke? Some sort of, "It was a cold and blustery evening."? If only I had some sort of professional narrator to spice up the words I'm about to type. I think if I had a choice it would be William Shatner. I'd love to have Captain Kirk-esque accent complimenting my random, deep, and sometimes awkwardly honest thoughts. Anyway. What's the point of this whole deal, besides of course verbalizing transparency?? I dunno, but I'm hoping that somewhere in the breakdown of my life someone will be able to glean some sort of wisdom.. ..or really an 'lol' would suffice.
I know it seems all too predictable, but recently my life has been absolute hell. It's ridiculous. Incredible actually... ...just different, lol. I don't know who all will be reading this, but here is a small run-down on the goings on in my life.
Anyway, the last bullet is probably the big one right now. I've never had a hard time changing my mind, but changing my heart.. ..yeah it's impossible. So I'm like, "Lord...". It's good though, I'm learning a lot about how much I suck and how dark my heart really is. It's so incredible that even in this second the Lord calls me dark, yet lovely. He doesn't minimize my darkness... He just says, "Yeah, but that's lovely to me." That's awesome. I still don't really get it.. ..but I want to. What now. What is really going on, on this first of twenty-one?? I guess I'm just really learning that I'm broken and that's beautiful as long as I remain vulnerable in my brokenness.
I suppose I should elaborate.
I don't really know anything about love.. ..the one person I ever loved with what I would call "ever-lasting love" uh, well was completely sin-based and really the furthest from everlasting... ...especially cuz it ended, lol. Now I have a few friends that I love and there are just a couple from that few that I truly love as best as I even know how and even that is still selfish at times. So, how can I start a love movement??? I have nothing I feel. I'm just stepping out hoping that the Lord uses me like Abraham and Moses. Anyway. That's just honest. I feel really broken and humbled. I guess in the midst of this crisis of self everything else I should really be freaking out about sorta has faded. This is the real big issue for me. Abiding in identity and love. But not any one person's thoughts and emotions, but the King of Kings... you know? I know that sounds crazy... ...you're like "You are looking from affirmation from someone that you can't even see??" Well, yep, it's true. It's the ONLY reality. I believe it. I can prove it... ...just read on.
Here's the cool part, I can actually get the Lord Jesus to come into your situation, all you gotta do is just keep reading... ...you can really tangibly feel Him. Not that I'm trying to convert you or anything... I'm just going to prove to you His Lordship.
King Jesus, I ask that right now you step into the room with everyone reading this. That they would instantly feel your presence and your heart toward them. Amen.
SEE HE IS REAL! I TOLD YOU.
Anyway, that's all for day one.
I think I will ramble more sensically tomorrow.
I know it seems all too predictable, but recently my life has been absolute hell. It's ridiculous. Incredible actually... ...just different, lol. I don't know who all will be reading this, but here is a small run-down on the goings on in my life.
- I'm starting a movement called the Love Revolution that will inevitably change the world
- I'm on staff full-time at the house of prayer which involves my salary being donation-based.
- My family is losing our house - being foreclosed on actually. Homeless.
- My dog and I will be facing foreclosure as well when the move happens.
- Then just life. Dealing with the effects of previous lifestyle decisions.
Anyway, the last bullet is probably the big one right now. I've never had a hard time changing my mind, but changing my heart.. ..yeah it's impossible. So I'm like, "Lord...". It's good though, I'm learning a lot about how much I suck and how dark my heart really is. It's so incredible that even in this second the Lord calls me dark, yet lovely. He doesn't minimize my darkness... He just says, "Yeah, but that's lovely to me." That's awesome. I still don't really get it.. ..but I want to. What now. What is really going on, on this first of twenty-one?? I guess I'm just really learning that I'm broken and that's beautiful as long as I remain vulnerable in my brokenness.
I suppose I should elaborate.
I don't really know anything about love.. ..the one person I ever loved with what I would call "ever-lasting love" uh, well was completely sin-based and really the furthest from everlasting... ...especially cuz it ended, lol. Now I have a few friends that I love and there are just a couple from that few that I truly love as best as I even know how and even that is still selfish at times. So, how can I start a love movement??? I have nothing I feel. I'm just stepping out hoping that the Lord uses me like Abraham and Moses. Anyway. That's just honest. I feel really broken and humbled. I guess in the midst of this crisis of self everything else I should really be freaking out about sorta has faded. This is the real big issue for me. Abiding in identity and love. But not any one person's thoughts and emotions, but the King of Kings... you know? I know that sounds crazy... ...you're like "You are looking from affirmation from someone that you can't even see??" Well, yep, it's true. It's the ONLY reality. I believe it. I can prove it... ...just read on.
Here's the cool part, I can actually get the Lord Jesus to come into your situation, all you gotta do is just keep reading... ...you can really tangibly feel Him. Not that I'm trying to convert you or anything... I'm just going to prove to you His Lordship.
King Jesus, I ask that right now you step into the room with everyone reading this. That they would instantly feel your presence and your heart toward them. Amen.
SEE HE IS REAL! I TOLD YOU.
Anyway, that's all for day one.
I think I will ramble more sensically tomorrow.
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