I've been running,.. I've been skipping like a stone... and I don't know if I, I can do this all alone...

Some people (myself included) will never get it, will they?

You can wind up going your entire life and never realizing how much you mean to someone because of your insecurities. The one person that you treasure their opinion and value their company can be completely oblivious of their worth. Suddenly in moments it's all gone. Will it ever be the same? I don't know. Will your heart ever be the same? Doesn't seem likely.

It's deep heart hurt. Almost that feeling of being letdown. Probably a little bit more of a burning sensation, but overall just pain. Not because you ever expected anything from anyone, but just because you've tried this whole time to mean something. My goal in life is to be the best me I can be and inspire others to be the best them.

Wouldn't that change the world?

You see people that rub people the wrong way, and you think in your head... man I never wanna be that guy (or girl). At the end of the day you may end up becoming the very thing you were absolutely against. When all is said and done we're all going to be let down, listen, I'm going to let you down. Don't trust me.

So the question isn't, do you trust me?
It's do you trust God to have your back even when I let you down?

I know I'm going to let you down.

I hate that I've been going along this whole time thinking everything was okay. Thinking I was making a difference, thinking I mattered, thinking I belonged. But I don't. I haven't. It's been a "just kidding". I suppose even if we're good for nothing, we're still good for something?

All I know is that I feel like my heart has been pulled out of my chest thrown on the ground and had a stampede of very large animals, cars, people, etc.. walking/driving/running over it. It's that kind of pain where you feel like you're running really really fast- like gaining ground -and then you get punched in the gut. You could see the finish line, you were within inches, but out of nowhere all of the oxygen is stripped from your lungs. Leaving you motionless on the ground wondering "What the heck just happened?"

Where am i going with this?

I wanted to change the world. But really I just wanted to mean something. To one person. The more I focused on changing the world in a grand scheme, the more I realized that I just really love individual people and would rather see them inspired then to focus on the world and never mean a great deal to one person, but just meaning a small amount to everyone.

In my feeble attempt to fully love just a small amount of people, I've failed. That's why it hurts so bad. I let them down. Not that I didn't know that I'd probably mess it up at some point, but I just wish for once in my whole life I could really express my heart. Like, I think I could really be a great friend. Don't we all have that in us? Even when I try the best I can, it still sucks.

I let me down.
I let you down.

I get to love you through whatever comes, what a privilege.

What to say? I don't even know. I think perhaps this is one of the few times that I haven't had words to express what I'm thinking/feeling.

Maybe one person will read this and will completely get it and have compassion. Or who knows, maybe this is just for me. Lately I've been feeling completely convicted. In pretty much every area of my life.

First it was friends.
Then it was trust.
Then it was priorities.

I feel like I've let a lot of people down. I'm by no means throwing myself a pity party. I'm just being honest. Mostly I think I've let myself down. I've allowed myself to act in ways that I would never imagine. Not even act, just react. I've never been one to react, I've generally processed and then responded. There are some issues here recently where I've done a great job of responding, but there are others where I just react and flip out basically.

I've been so depressed and negative for the past few months. Feeling like everything has been stripped away, and in the midst not being able to find one positive thing to land my feet on. I'm basically in one of the biggest transitions that I've gone through, well at least one of the toughest (not that this by any means is a great excuse or even an excuse period). I want to change the world. Well, I wanted to. I wanted to leave a legacy. I think I've lost sight of all of that in the midst of the stripping away.

I watched a DVD by Kris Vallotton about Leadership and it basically just tore me in two. He talked about how John on the island of Patmos wrote 7 letters to the angels of the churches, which basically resembled his apostolic leadership for those 7 churches. Like those were his 7 spheres of influence. Immediately I remember when the guy called me upfront at Heartland and talked about how I had 6 gates that I was given all authority over, these gates were college campuses. Tears silently streamed down my face, I was so broken, like oh my goodness. I have been sent, I have been given an assignment, a promise no less. Like that is my land to take. This is the land that I'm supposed to influence. Maybe that makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me. But listen, I had a dream that I woke up at 3:33am and freaked out that it was 3:33 and then I saw it at 3:33pm and freaked out and then I immediately called the lady that interprets my dreams to ask her about 3 and when I saw her she had only an explanation of the number 2.

I called my dream interpreted (in real life) and told her this dream I had with her in it. She explained to me that, that makes perfect sense to her. Lou Engle saw the number 222 and knew that that was confirmation that the Lord had given him Pasadena, CA. Then I remember, what the heck, I've seen 555 for months and months and months. Even now I see every :55 of every hour that I'm awake. And I was like, holy cow, that's my confirmation. I knew that it was. I just knew it.

Anyway, so like the Lord for a long long time has been trying to grab my attention. He's like, "Hey listen, you're supposed to do this... come on now, don't get distracted." the whole time I'm like, "well, this isn't good, and this doesn't look right, and I can't do this, and I can't do that, and not only that but this person is treating me poorly and nothing is going right, and I don't even wanna do this anymore." I've been so focused on me and my circumstance. So distracted and well, depressed.

Kris talked about how maybe we're supposed to change the world. Like Jesus is just looking for one. And I know that! I freaking knew that! And in the midst I forget. Easy as that. But as he spoke my heart began to burn, and I was reminded that this was the reason I was alive. The reason I'm to live and die. The one thing I'd die for. The only thing worth it. The thing I've signed up for. I enlisted. I dunno.

Then I was so convicted. I just wanted to bawl. I wanted to crawl up on the floor and sob. Then I spent some time with Jesus, and He was showing me when I was 18 I was in my car outside my apartment in Cambridge, IA. It was raining and I had a worship CD on. I had just gotten off work, so it was about 3am. I remember I just laid my carseat back and worshiped Him a little longer. All I wanted to do was spend time with Him. I would wake up and put Jason Upton on and sing my heart out as I made breakfast. I would just talk to Him all the time. I would walk around Jordan Creek mall (as security) and talk to Jesus and let Him know how much I adored Him, and as soon as I got home I would hide away quickly and spend more and more time with Him. It was the beauty of simplicity. I love Him because He first loved me.

My heart was tearing out of my chest at this point. I was so broken. Can you believe it? As a punk 18 year old, I was running after Jesus with so much love. Not even being forgiven as much as I am at this point. It wasn't hype, it wasn't for a touch, I don't even know that I really knew that Jesus could be experienced? All I wanted was Him, and just to be that one person that Jesus' eye looked for to and fro.

Anyway. then I heard, Psalm 126. Which is:

Psalm 126

A song of ascents.

¹ When the LORD brought back the captives to ^a]">[a] Zion,
we were like men who dreamed. ^b]">[b]

² Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

³ The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

⁴ Restore our fortunes, ^c]">[c] O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

⁵ Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

⁶ He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

It's like, they were saying, "We were once captives, like, we were bound and had no hope, like we could barely dream. But then the Lord brought us out of captivity and once we tasted that freedom we were like those could dream. It was better than we could've ever thought, it was like a dream. All we could do is laugh and shout for joy, and it was settled within us that because of this moment all the Nations would say "the Lord has done great things".

Well that's what I got. And I am like, Jesus, don't let me forget that I was once a prisoner. I was once held captive, and because of your love and your grace and mercy I was set free. And now I'm free to dream. And it's like, you know what? If the captives of Zion could become free after so long then what the heck else could be possible? It doesn't just allow them to dream for other captives, but to dream further for themselves. Like, Jesus, if you can do this for me now, then what is the limit? The captive ones from Zion began to dream. They realized in experiencing freedom that the possibilities are endless and that dreaming isn't foolish and that if they dreamed big enough that one day the Nations would see and wouldn't be able to think anything but, "the Lord has done great things". like isn't that crazy? So what the heck? I go through a couple of weird things and then I've lost hope? I dunno. I'm not beating myself up, but let's just get back up already.

Everything is too short.
My pride has to be gone.
That means being real with people that hurt me.
That means forgiving and reconciling.
Because families are still family even when they fight.

See, Kris Vallotton said that 1 person would live from Eternity.
They would go up to the third heaven, get ideas that would change the way we govern.
I'm pretty sure I have that idea. I'm pretty sure the Love Revolution was it.
I'm absolutely convinced that was straight from the throne.
Family is it.
That's the Epic battle we're fighting.
I know it.
So it's time to live like a family. Right?
I mean, I can only do what I can do, but if I refuse to reconcile then how will the world ever be able to changed in the name of "love or family" through me?
It can't, it's impossible.

I don't know.
I rambled.
But I'm not crying.
So I'm happy.
I've definitely had some repentance.