Today has been a ridiculously bad day. I'm not kidding. Probably one of the worst days of my life. I'm so freaking paranoid, always. I hate it. Do you remember High School? Maybe you weren't one of the kids that always got picked on.. or maybe you weren't the one that everyone was whispering about down the hallway.. or maybe you weren't voted on for prom just as a joke? Maybe, those all were just me. Even still, I see kids that are younger or my age... and I instantly get that feeling... I mean sure, I got a little better once I was a senior... and the jokes stopped a little, but I can remember 6th grade... sitting on the bus, getting picked on to the Nth degree. Ugh, those were seriously the worst days of my life. Man, I seriously can recount numerous occasions where I was let down and humiliated.
Here's one in particular.
I was really really involved in band. I mean, I basically sold my soul to the band director. I'm not kidding. Band was my out. I mean, if you know anything about my relationship with my father, you'll understand that I basically took the band as my family and I did everything in my power to be busy at all times doing something band / music related.
Now that you've been thoroughly prefaced. We had a day where we got our senior awards. If you recall your senior year, you may remember there being two big music awards 1)John Philip Sousa award 2)Louis Armstrong award. Alright.. so, basically I was so sure I was going to get one of them. For sure the JPS award. For sure. So my band director (who had become, in my mind, one of my closest friends or perhaps like a like older brother figure or something) starts to announce who will be the receiver of the two awards... well I instantly begin to stand up... and yep, he didn't pick me. For either. Want to know what else? I skipped my senior trip so I could repaint my house because my parents were heavy indoor smokers and the walls were stained. Anyway, that was solely in anticipation of my band director coming, and me not wanting to be embarrassed.... and well the 4 hours of my party went by and he never showed. Yay! Let down. ugh.
All of that said to sorta lay the ground work for what I'm going to say. I hate being in situations where I don't know people, or where I have no specific reason to be there and would otherwise look creepy. I don't know. It makes me so freaking paranoid going on Drake Campus, especially when I'm not a part of my own campus club. Blah blah blah. The other day, a guy said.. oh hey, Why are you here? WHY AM I HERE? I don't know, because I'm creepy. That's embarrassing.
I don't know how I'm possibly going to do anything.
I go to interVarsity and feel like a moron. I'm serious. I think there are 5 people in total I talk to. 5. Some people I just see stare at me, and I'm reminded of that feeling in High School. That gross feeling of being looked at, laughed at, and disappointed. I don't know. I have a pretty good friend that overlooks the whole deal, but when in their element, it seems like I'm nobody. I don't know how else to explain it. If to one person I would be mean something, it would mean everything. I know Jesus thinks of me as someone amazing... ...but really that's not helping me right now. I'm just throwing that out there.
I don't know how to sustain.
I was thinking back to last year, like what the heck did I ever do to stay encouraged?? How did I even stay alive??
Well, I don't know. I basically just spent a whole crap ton of time with travis. And I think that made me sane. Man. I miss having people I can spend time with and be completely honest with and actually like have people that listen to me. Sometimes I feel like I have something to say, but no one that thinks I have anything valuable. I'm not kidding. I keep everything inside. I think that when I hung out with Travis it made me feel like I had something important to say, because he always wanted to know what was going on, and he always told me what was going on with him. I definitely don't have that right now.
I don't know what else to say. I'm bummed.
